The Long Road HomeBy Menachem Ben David
Certain knowledgeable rabbinic leaders I
have spoken with have indicated they are
seriously concerned about a major increase
in the divorce rate in the Orthodox community,
particularly among Baalei Tshuva (returnees to Judaism) couples. This report
is an attempt to address the reasons for
and suggest possible solutions for the problem
of the increased divorce rate in the Orthodox
community. The opinions expressed below are
not simply my own, but have been obtained
from a variety of sources, including attorneys,
rabbinic lawyers (toens), father's rights
groups, and father's rights activists.
The stability and viability of Jewish
marriages
is being threatened by a number of
factors
in America today. One of these factors
is
the extreme lack of competent Orthodox
marriage
therapists who operate according to
Torah
values and hashkafos. Contradictions
between
Freudian psychology and Torah Judaism
are
simply too great to be reconciled.
Too many
therapists today, when faced with the
inevitable
contradiction between westernized psychology
and Torah values, are instead compromising
their Torah values. Too many individuals
are calling themselves "marriage
specialists"
and "therapists" who are
either
unqualified professionally or lacking
the
necessary Torah knowledge to counsel
Orthodox
couples. There are individuals today
in the
Orthodox community who have never been
married,
and have no professional credentials,
yet
are providing high priced marriage
therapy
services to Orthodox couples experiencing
problems !
Feminist advocacy groups in the U.S., both
Jewish and non-Jewish, are well organized,
well funded, and well connected politically
to liberal politicians. Feminist political
pressures in the US have resulted in the
development of an anti-male family court
system which provides strong incentives for
women to seek divorce without attempting
reconciliation. A very high percentage of
divorces in the US are initiated by women,
secure in the knowledge that they will probably
obtain a huge share of their husband's assets,
sole custody of their children, and insanely
high alimony and child support payments.
The American family court system will
many
times completely ignore a man's constitutional
rights to due process, the right to
a trial
by jury, and the constitutional prohibition
on debtor's prison. False domestic
violence
(DV) charges are routinely used to
remove
men from their houses and prevent access
to their children. Failure to comply
with
court orders, regardless of ability
to do
so, many times results in the man's
immediate
imprisonment, without a trial or having
an
attorney present.
In the Orthodox Jewish community, there appears
to be a parallel erosion of men's halachic
rights. Certain rabbis with pro-feminist
sympathies are promoting "Orthodox"
feminist groups and attempting to dismantle
the traditional halachic rights of Jewish
men. Many but not all of these pro-feminist
rabbis are musmachim of Yeshiva University. Under pressure from
"Orthodox feminist" groups, these
rabbis are frantically instituting new, pro-feminist
standards and procedures. Examples of these
new standards are anti-male pre-nuptial agreements,
unjustified pressure on men to give gittin either before they have decided to divorce
their wives, or before the divorce issues
are adjudicated, undeserved public ostracism
of divorcing men, and refusal to hold women
responsible for the improper use of non-Jewish
courts. Some of these "rabbis"
instituting these deviations from Jewish
tradition may wear black hats and attempt
to cloak their pro-feminist agenda under
a mantle of halachic authority, but according
to Chareidi rabbinic experts I have spoken
with, their standards and procedures are
not supported by the Chareidi gedolim.
The increasing rate of divorce and improper
use of non-Jewish courts in the Orthodox
community, along with halachic deviations
by certain modern Orthodox rabbis, require
the urgent attention of the mainstream rabbis.
These problems constitute a severe threat
to the stability of Jewish families.
A Plan to Address some of the Marriage
and
Divorce Problems in the Jewish Community:
1) REGULATE MARRIAGE THERAPY: Develop
a set
of halachically and hashkafically valid
standards
for marriage therapists to operate
by, and
create a list of therapists who agree
to
abide by the standards. Only refer
Jews to
these therapists who meet the standards.
Possibly even issue a yearly certificate
to those individuals who meet the standards.
Charge a fee for the certificate to
defray
costs of the organization.
2) REGULATE BEIS DINS: Develop a set of halachically
valid standards for Beis Dins and toenim (rabbinic lawyers) to operate by, as an
alternative to the anti-halachic, anti-male
standards promoted being promoted by Jewish
feminist organizations. Only refer Jews to
those Beis Dins and toenim who meet the standards. Charedi rabbis must
be willing to investigate any Beis Dins suspected
of anti-male bias, and publicly expose them
to the Jewish community if the case warrants.
3) PROHIBIT UNJUST COMMUNITY PRESSURE
or
SANCTIONS AGAINST JEWISH MEN OR WOMEN:
Forbid
punitive and unjustified measures against
men simply because they divorced their
wives,
such as banning them from shuls or
requiring
them to leave the community. Members
of modern
Orthodox synagogues should not be coerced
into working with Beis Dins considered
"politically
correct" and pro-female by their
shuls.
4) CHINUCH: Educate Jews according to Torah true hashkafos
such as can be found in the sefer "HaBayis
HaYehudi" by HaRav Simcha Cohen Shlita.
Encourage spouses to be extremely careful
about observing mitzvos bein adam l'chaveiro (laws between man and man) when dealing
with their spouses. Emphasize the importance
of fathers to the upbringing of Jewish children,
along with the importance of mothers. Ban
harmful marriage books and guides based on
non-Jewish values. Encourage rabbis to emphasize
the severe halachic prohibitions of m'sira. Influence pulpit rabbis to emphasize the
prohibition of using secular courts and to
publicly expose those who do so. American
Orthodoxy must become more than just ritual.
The few men or women who withold a ghet for purposes of unjustified extortion should
also be condemned.
5) HASBARA: In the Jewish media, defend halachic Judaism,
Torah values, and legitimate Beis Dins against
attempts to portray them as unjust to woman.
Ban Jewish newspapers and media which spread
feminist propaganda and disinformation.
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